Monday, August 6, 2012

Planning ahead

It seems to be the current subject of late to discuss with me that I need to pre-arrange my mother's funeral. While I am aware that this is the time to do that.. I just can't think about it let alone go into a funeral home. I can't even begin to process that. I refuse to. I spend most of my days avoiding thinking about what that day will be like. I know I need to make plans, but I just don't want to think about it today. It's hard to face this reality when 3 months ago everything was just fine.

It makes it hard to be excited or plan for a baby. In 6 months my mom may be gone, and it's hard not to only think of that. I start looking at rental houses or trying to figure out what I need to buy and it's not the joyful experience most people have. I feel the same way about picking out baby stuff as I do as picking out funeral stuff. That in and of itself makes me feel guilty. I want to be optimistic and think about some good aspects, but it's easier said than done. It doesn't help that it wasn't exactly a planned occurrence in the first place. Raising a baby with lack of a nicer term.. a questionable amount of probably always difficult. I think becoming a mother while losing my mother has added this whole new element of sheer uncertainty to everything. I feel like I won't know what to do or who to ask for advice. I worry that some part of me is broken beyond repair and that I will never be happy again. If you can't be happy about a baby for even a fleeting moment..what can you be happy about?

The worst part of all is that my mother doesn't remember the last few months (probably due to seizures she had a few weeks ago) so she doesn't remember that I already told her I was pregnant. I'm going to have to tell her again now that she's mentally clear. I think knowing she has a grandchild on the way that she will probably never get to know will be more heartbreaking than passing before I had children. That's one more thing I'd like to put off just one more day, but I won't. If the past several months have taught me anything it is that there isn't time to do things like that later. There is only now. You are truly blessed if you get a 'later'.

It was the best of times, it was the worst of times...

I think it's always easier to sort things out when you write them down.

For me there are always things I can write about that I wouldn't dare say out loud. I've considered even going to grief counseling over the events of the past 2 months, but in reality I know I couldn't talk to a real live person about some of the things I feel. It's easier to just write it in a journal or I guess blog in this case. I'm not sure why I am doing this other than the fact that maybe there is somebody else out there going through a similar situation. Maybe it's just for me. Either way, if you've stumbled upon this blog please do not expect it to be your typical pregnancy/baby blog. There are plenty of those elsewhere. This is something else entirely.